


The Discovery

by nhasablog



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 14:59:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11420397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nhasablog/pseuds/nhasablog
Summary: Bones finds out about Tarsus, but not because Jim tells him.





	The Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Alcohol consumption, (vague) mentions of past alcohol abuse, starvation

To his credit Bones had been suspicious ever since their early Academy days, but the fact that he himself had been a mess who was still longing for a bottle, and that Jim, who was usually so easy to read, had wanted to keep his past to himself had stopped him from interfering, and therefore he’d spent the first couple of years on the Enterprise knowing absolutely nothing about his best friend’s medical record. He reckoned everything came out to the light eventually, whether you wanted it to or not.

Bones had very much wanted it to.

It had started so quietly and had transformed into panic. An unknown, apparently deserted planet that needed exploring, a curious crew and a careless Captain had resulted in Jim going against Bones’ wishes and picking up some samples of the plant life himself before Bones could properly examine everything to make sure the idiot wasn’t allergic to anything. And  _of course_  he was allergic to the first goddamn flower he’d picked up.

Bones was going to kill him after he’d saved his stupid life.

The reason Bones had ended up accessing the files he’d been unable to open the only other time he’d tried due to him not having graduated from the Academy yet had been accidental. Once Jim was passed out in the Medbay, well and breathing and under Bones - or Chapel’s if Bones had errands to run - perpetual watch, Bones had gone to add the new plant into the endless list of allergies, but seeing as he hadn’t had to do that in ages to anyone (because no one could be allergic to so many things as James T. Kirk that you kept discovering new things) he ended up clicking on the wrong thing and instead opened a file he’d never seen before, and he still sort of wished he hadn’t.

He could still remember the initial confusion and the blinking at the screen as if he was seeing things he wasn’t supposed to see. He technically hadn’t been supposed to see it. Had been doing just fine all those years without having taken part of Jim’s medical history.

But he couldn’t stop his gaze from roaming the words and statistics before him until he got to the very last page, and by that point he’d read and reread every single word and knew exactly what information it was giving him, though he’d refused to believe it for longer than he would like to admit.

Jim had been on Tarsus IV. Had almost starved to  _death_ on Tarsus IV. No wonder the kid ate as if he’d never seen food in ages. Chances were that for a while he really hadn’t.

Bones was now sitting by Jim’s bed after having sent Chapel to her quarters to rest. He itched for a drink, but he never drank on the clock, and as long as Jim was still there in that bed he was on the clock. He knew he wouldn’t be able to resist suggesting that they spend an evening with a bottle soon, because he wasn’t entirely sure he could bring up what he now knew while sober.

To be fair, he wasn’t entirely sure he  _should_ bring it up. The kid had obviously not wanted him - or anyone - to know, but Bones didn’t like keeping secrets about things like these, and if he accidentally found something out he almost always ended up spilling the beans to whomever it was about because it felt unfair for them to not know that he knew. Whatever Jim’s initial reaction he was sure he would appreciate the confession.

But life would be so much easier if he just didn’t say a thing about it, wouldn’t it?

Jim stirred in his sleep, and had he been anyone else Bones might’ve even have let him go home hours ago, but he was too worried about the allergic reaction making a comeback to let him out of his sight, and while Jim wouldn’t complain if Bones followed him around the rest of the evening and camped outside his bedroom Bones felt calmer in here where he could access his equipment quickly and easily.

He couldn’t get Tarsus out of his mind.

He probably would never get Tarsus out of his mind.

If this was how he was feeling he could only imagine how Jim’s mind had looked like for the past decade or so.

* * *

 

Jim could probably tell that something had changed within Bones since the last time they’d had a conversation that hadn’t involved Bones screaming and Jim turning purple. He could probably sense Bones’ gaze on him when he wasn’t looking his way, his ever present scowl, and his lack of speech. Bones didn’t mean for this to be happening, but as soon as Jim had opened his eyes in the well lit room the morning after the allergic reaction and Bones’ discovery he’d found that he hadn’t been able to look at him without an overwhelming feeling washing over him. It wasn’t always the same feeling, but usually it was a mix between rage and empathy. The roller coaster in his mind drained him, and he found that he didn’t have the energy to talk about something insignificant. Everything seemed insignificant now.

Maybe it always had been.

Even if Jim had noticed the most likely vague changes, he didn’t comment on it. Once Bones had released him from the Medbay he spent three days being the same old Captain of the Enterprise while Bones cured three migraines, one cold, took care of a twisted ankle - don’t ask - and went through with about 25 check ups. It was a busy season, and in the midst of all that Spock presented him with one of the plants they’d found on that godforsaken deserted planet with the claim that its leaves would be excellent to include in certain types of medicines, so he suddenly had that to ponder over too.

It was with a jumble of emotions that he accepted Jim’s request for a rare bar night, which basically just meant that they hid away in one of their quarters with a bottle of whatever that they shared between them. Bones downed his first glass more eagerly than he would like to admit, but even if he wasn’t carrying around Jim’s secret people still couldn’t have blamed him with the week he’d had. Not that he ever had any actual weekends, but this Friday couldn’t have been more welcome.

“Another week of almost dying,” Jim said, raising his glass even though Bones was already pouring himself a second. “And of you saving me.”

“Someone’s gotta since your ass won’t stay in line.”

Jim grinned, and it was cheerful but tired. Bones wondered how many smiles he’d been forced to fake throughout his life. He wondered if anyone but him could tell the real from the fake ones.

“Sorry about that,” Jim said. “Got too eager.”

“Next time you get too eager I’ll chain you to your chair, you hear me?”

Comments like these weren’t unusual, and Bones wasn’t exactly  _not_ a grumpy man, but he’d heard his own words carry a slight panic with them as they’d surfaced before he could’ve stopped it, and he knew Jim had caught onto it too by the look he was sending his way.

Crap.

He cleared his throat and brought his glass to his lips again, tasting the booze before swallowing it this time, but he knew no actions of his could be slow enough to make Jim not voice his observation once he was finished and could look at him, which he avoided doing as subtly as he could anyway.

“Are you okay?”

How someone who had been through hell could both sound and look so concerned about another human being broke Bones’ heart a little bit. He forced himself to meet Jim’s gaze. Forced himself to ignore how painful it was to do so. “I don’t know,” he said, quickly and quietly as if it would make this all easier.

“Talk to me,” Jim replied, leaning closer across the table. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong with me. I just can’t seem to recover from a discovery I recently made.”

“What discovery?”

Bones could come up with a lie if he really wanted. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d withheld the truth from someone for their own - or his own - sake, but he couldn’t lie to the kid. They might not have told each other every single thing about themselves or their souls, but they didn’t lie.

Gripping his glass tight enough to almost shatter it, he said, “I know about Tarsus.”

Jim didn’t react instantly, only blinked at him once, twice, before leaning back as if he needed the distance in order to properly comprehend it. He wasn’t frowning, but simply extracted all emotions from his face as a sort of barrier. Bones couldn’t blame him for it.

“Oh,” he eventually said, and even though it had felt like ages only a couple of seconds had passed. “That.”

The monotone to his voice worried Bones more than it would if he’d been screaming at him. “I didn’t want to pry, you know.”

“I know.”

“One part of me didn’t even want to tell you, but-”

“I’m glad you told me, but… how?”

“Your medical files. I wanted to add the new godforsaken plant to your file, but I somehow opened the wrong one.”

He realized how weak his excuse sounded, even though it was the truth, and he wouldn’t have blamed Jim if he didn’t believe him. Jim’s expression didn’t change, but his body seemed to relax ever so slightly, which calmed Bones a little bit.

“I guess I couldn’t have expected my doctor - and best friend - to remain in the dark forever.”

“I wish I hadn’t found out.”

A bitter smile found Jim’s lips. “Do you?”

“It’s not something you want to imagine your friend going through, as selfish as it sounds.” He pushed his glass from one hand to the other. “I also wish you would’ve told me rather than me finding out like this, though I understand your reasons for not saying a word.”

Jim downed his glass, and Bones followed suit.

“I’ve always wanted to tell you, you know,” Jim said, his voice slightly strained from the alcohol burning his throat. “I just didn’t know how. Or when. And saying it aloud would make it more real. I’ve spent the better part of my life trying to forget. To pretend as if it was a bad dream. But deep down I knew, and the longer I kept it inside the bigger it grew, and while the pain subsided I could still feel it settling down for a life of constant reminders. I wasn’t sure if telling you would make a difference or not.”

“Does it feel different? Now that I know, I mean.”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t know. It almost feels less real now, since you weren’t there-”

“-and can’t properly imagine what it was like,” Bones concluded for him.

“Exactly.” Jim pulled the bottle closer to him, but didn’t pour just yet. “I guess I’ll see how things change with time. It does feel good that you know without me having to tell you, though. It feels good that you know.”

Bones could tell he meant it, and a weight was immediately lifted off of his shoulders. “I’m glad I know. It helps me understand you a little better.”

A hint of amusement found Jim’s face. “I thought you had me all figured out.”

“It’s a process.”

“Isn’t everything?”

“I’m enjoying the journey.”

Jim poured and downed another glass, and Bones wasn’t far behind. He knew they were both trying to hide whatever the hell was going on with their faces, and he was sure they were failing, but that was okay.

Bones had so many question about Tarsus; questions with answers Jim had probably pondered over for years now. He didn’t know if Jim wanted him to ask or not, but all he knew was that he didn’t have the energy to try to imagine the living hell that his friend had been through. Not right now anyway. All he wanted to do was finish this bottle and go to bed, preferably on Jim’s couch, and that was exactly what he did.

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my [tumblr](http://nhasablog.tumblr.com) for tickle fics.
> 
> Here's my [tumblr](http://nhasasideblog.tumblr.com) for non-tickle fics.


End file.
